Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Randomize
