you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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