You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
