Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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