Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
