I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
