John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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