Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
