Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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