I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
