apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
