He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
