I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
