I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
