Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Randomize
