Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Randomize
