I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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