They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
