you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
