The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
