So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
