Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
