In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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