i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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