I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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