She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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