well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
