I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
