He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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