ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
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