No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
