I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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