I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
as a side note pls kill me
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
