whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
