I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
