feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'm at about main and main street
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
