I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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