if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
