Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
