I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
