The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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