my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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