Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
