i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
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