***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
