the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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