This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
