i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
