i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
