We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
