I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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