Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Drunk is a universal language darling
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
